Laura

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:50:31 GMT

Things are still quite up and down at the moment. I'm still really not right, but I'm learning to cope a lot better and put on a happy face. It does seem to help though; if I act happy I do actually feel a bit better. I've also found I spend about 90% of the time just worrying about things that might or might not happen, I need to learn to be more relaxed. It's much easier for me to feel alright when I'm busy and have things to do as well, I need to do more stuff apart from being online constantly or watching tv. I have started reading again which is good, I have a pile of second-hand books that need reading :) I still also need to get back into doing regular exercise, I haven't lost any of the weight I put on through comfort eating and I'm not really happy with the way I look at the moment.

Today has been mostly good though, I've pretty much written my Psychology of Folklore essay in it's entirety and included Jung, Plato and Descartes. It sounds mostly really good, and I'm proud of what I've written. It also makes a nice change from rushing something in before a deadline. Emily and I also got our presentation mark for Feminism and found we'd been given a 67! Very surprising as it wasn't a brilliant presentation and we rushed the report then handed it in late. So I'm feeling much more confident in my abilities to produce good work, which makes a huge difference :)

Tomorrow I'm back in Hull for elkedoodles ' handfasting and socialising in the evening. Not sure what to expect from the weekend, so I'm going to try to take it as it comes.

New Beginnings

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 16:26:25 GMT

I'm halfway through my first year at university and things seem be going well overall. Aside from blatent procrastination while writing essays, but that was always to be expected. I'm enjoying most of the course and I've made a few friends. I also have the incredible opportunity of possibly spending one semester in Europe studying on an exchange programme, though I need to get more information about it before I decide where to be next year. I'm just focusing on passing my first year for now.

I seem to be spending my student loan quite fast, mostly on clothes and stuff from Lush (my bathroom smells wonderful), though I've been buying loads of DVDs too. I found a version of Wuthering Heights at Morrisons (you can't go wrong with £3 DVDs) from 1992 I think, with Ralph Fiennes as Heathcliff and Juliette Binoche as Cathy. It's certainly not the best version of the story, but Ralph Fiennes is an amazing Heathcliff. I've become a little distracted by him to be honest...

I'm sure you can all see why.

I also bought the first series of Red Dwarf today, which certainly brings back memories of watching it on tv when I was younger. This has also added to the procrastination.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:05:14 GMT

Wondering, would it be really bad if I didn't go out on Halloween? I'm just not in the mood for it :S

I want a Monorail Cat

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 23:08:31 GMT

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 11:58:15 GMT

Haha, I really do talk a load of bollocks when I'm drunk :) I had a good night out though I think, saw loads of people I haven't seen in ages, and got to dance to some decent music.

So, thought I'd actually do a real post as well. I'm incredibly excited about moving to leeds next week, only 9 days left. Also really excited about starting uni finally and meeting new people. I just hope that the people I'm sharing a flat with are nice and not moronic. Would be good to share with others who appreciate a clean kitchen, though I'm probably asking too much with that, since it's students! Gah, I'm in the middle of packing, I didn't realise it would be so hard to decide what I want to take with me. Though it is fun looking thru all my stuff and finding things I'd forgotten about.

Aside from the uni stuff, I actually managed to have my meningitis injection on Monday, which is like huge for me since I have a massive phobia of needles. They gave me diazepam and anaesthetic cream for my arm, but I'm still really proud that I managed to have it done. So, yay, and I get cookies from timsinister for being brave :)

So, back to packing for me. I didn't realise I have so many clothes :s wish me luck!

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 03:09:37 GMT

You know, everything seems different to how you think it is. I went to the Attic tonight with everyone. On the wway there I felt something for every buildig I saw along the way. It's like I'm becoming a diffwerent person y'know. Like everything has a meaning and it's so poignant that I miss mostly every second.

Thanks to everyon e who turned up tonight. Espefcially Viviaca, who I haven's seen in ages.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 20:27:48 GMT

Just letting off some steam really... I'm sat in a pile of coursework I have to do for tomorrow that's gonna take me hours. I know it's my own fault, and I'm really pissed off at yself for not doing it over the holidays when I had loads of time. And I'm sat here on the internet right now, not doing my work. I just can't seem to do it when I'm at home.

I'm so sick of college as well, I feel so old in my lessons; I can't seem to have decent conversations I seem to be on a totally different wavelength to them, and I get weird looks from them when I get a book out to read when I've finished my work. Bah, I guess it's only 6 weeks left. One good thing is that my exams are all in June, and spread out, so I won't get TOO stressed.

I've only got 9 days to make a decision about which Uni I want to go to... I've seen them all, and I'm still no closer to deciding. I'm really sick to death of everyone saying "You should do this.." or "I bet you'll do this..." or "This is best for you..." I mean, I know they're trying to help, but it's MY decision, and I want to make it on my own. My parents are asking when they can talk to me about my decision, and I just said "I haven't made my decision yet!!" and stormed out, which wasn't the best way to say it really. I just feel so stressed right now. And so, so tired.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 19:27:43 GMT

Haven't posted, or felt the need to in a while.

I'm sure I've said it before, but this year is going far too fast for my liking. After Easter I only have 7 weeks left at college before I have my exams and then leave, which isn't long at all. My birthday has also been and gone remarkably fast, too. To be honest, it just kinda felt like a giant anticlimax; I don't feel any different and was ill for my party so I didn't really enjoy it although it was great to see everyone and razorbladex90 did a great job with the music. I might not bother with all the hype in the future.

More scariness is that I have just over 3 weeks to decide which uni I want to go to, and I'm still totally undecided. All three of my main choices (Bath, Leeds Met and Sheffield Hallam) are still attractive; I could start a completely different life in Bath where nobody would know me, though I know people and places in Leeds. However, I felt really at home at Sheffield Hallam uni and I know I'd have fun and fit in there. I really don't know...

Still a bit ill from the weekend, I've noticed that I get colds after most of my nights out at clubs, wondering if it has any connection to drinking and smoking. I'm eating uber-healthily again, and properly, so hiding all the junk food in the washing basket in the pantry... my mum thought I'd gone crazy. I've also spent all day cleaning my room, washing my bedsheets and all my clothes, just to keep my mind off stuff. Now my room smells of rosewater and the floorboards are shiny :) certainly makes a change!

I guess I'm still feeling restless though.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 19:43:00 GMT

Haven't really posted in a while, I guess. Everyone will have heard by now that I've given timsinister a second and final chance as my boytoy. I've received conditional offers from every Uni I applied to :) but the main choice is really between the University of Bath and Leeds Met. Watch this space...

Just returned from Leeds tonight, I'd been staying there with the boyfriend since Wednesday. Overall brilliant time :) especially going to the Wendyhouse last night, which was absolutely fantastic, and makes Spiders seem small and dull. Shame on the boybitch for the hideous state of the bathroom and kitchen.

Glad to be back in my own room, with my pc.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 21:33:00 GMT

Thought I'd waste time writing an entry to help take my mind off the fact I have an exam tomorrow...

Not much has happened lately. Aside from a brief respite last weekend, I've been ill since Boxing Day. Headache, sore throat, aches, chills, fatigue, etc. www.wrongdiagnosis.com (where you select all the symptoms you have, and it lists possible health problems) told me it's either Flu or Ebola Fever. I had a nosebleed this morning, but since I haven't been to Africa ever, I'm guessing it's maybe not Ebola. Does anyone know how to make the muscle aches any less bad? I've used all the hot water in the house, but still feel like a 90 year old woman. I've also had strong cravings for junk food. I actually went out in the rain to buy a tube of BBQ pringles and a peanut butter KitKat Chunky. It's doubtful I'll be out at clubs in the next few weeks; it'd be nice to get my immune system back to normal.

Good news is I have a conditional offer from the University of Bath, which is apparently a "dogs bollocks" uni according to my dad. It's something like the top 10th uni in the UK, although far away and I wouldn't know anyone there. Since it's the only offer I've got so far, I'm not making any decisions just yet.

I AM feeling fairly stressed about tomorrow. I missed the revision session today because there was no way I could walk there without possibly collapsing from lord_monster's place, where I'd been asleep half the day. I guess I can always resit the exam in June if I screw it up.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 15:41:25 GMT

C...Carbon

You scored 19 Mass, 32 Electronegativity, 34 Metal, and 0 Radioactivity!

Nobody understands you... no, not even organic chemists. The social
individualist. You like your attention... but not TOO MUCH attention.
You are able to form incredibly close relationships with many
individuals, but you don't really get along with preexisting groups.
You value equality in relationships, and don't deal well with overly
submissive or demanding people. Well, whatever... thanks for making
life possible... oh, and cut the global warming out.

This test tracked 4 variables. How the score compared to the other people's:

Higher than 6% on Mass

Higher than 52% on Electroneg

Higher than 9% on Metal

Higher than 0% on Radioactivity

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid

These were a few of my favourite things...

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 22:27:25 GMT

..in 2006.

The Dresden Dolls	Supernature	Live Through This	In a Reverie	The Best of Siouxsie & Banshees
With Teeth	Old World Underground, Where Are You Now?	Wise Up Suckers	Taxidermy	In Time: The Best of R.E.M. 1988-2003
Black Holes and Revelations	Adrenaline	Bloody Kisses	Mother Earth	Live It Out
Chasing Eva	Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me	Galore

Firefly - The Complete Series	Serenity (Full Screen Edition)	Finding Neverland	The Snow Queen	Howl's Moving Castle
Spirited Away	Back to the Future - The Complete Trilogy (Full Screen Edition)	Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure	Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest (Two-Disc Collector's Edition)	V for Vendetta (Widescreen Edition)

Assassin's Quest (The Farseer Trilogy, Book 3)	Royal Assassin (The Farseer Trilogy, Book 2)	Assassin's Apprentice (The Farseer Trilogy, Book 1)	Kushiel's Chosen (Kushiel's Legacy)	Son of the Shadows (The Sevenwaters Trilogy, Book 2)
Daughter of the Forest (The Sevenwaters Trilogy, Book 1)	1984	His Dark Materials Trilogy (The Golden Compass; The Subtle Knife; The Amber Spyglass)	Weatherwitch: Book Three of The Crowthistle Chronicles

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 18:57:15 GMT

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 20:25:25 GMT

Is it wrong to lie if telling the truth would hurt someone you care about?

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 11:08:45 GMT

Since the clocks turned back, it's suddenly turned cold. And it's going to get even colder.

I'm quite worried. I keep thinking things have happened or people have said certain things, but then when I talk about it, no one knows what I'm talking about, or they say I'm wrong.

I had a really nice dream last night though. Some of it's hazy, but I remember feeling so happy and calm and safe.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 23:12:35 GMT

I feel stupidly tired, even though I've been sleeping well. Heading to bed soon.

Everything is hectic, and things have changed round. Panicking about my Halloween costume, since I only have about 3 days to make it, and Thursday is taken up with shopping in York and the photo shoot in the evening, and Friday night I'll be at a gig. Argh!

On the plus side, I've sorted out a fair bit I was confused about, which is helping me get on with things.

On the horizon is Halloween Spiders, Halloween party, trick-or-treating, and a party on Bonfire Night. Busy but fun.

And now I'm really going to bed. So tired...

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 10:22:01 GMT

Had an alright time last night. Plenty of beer, good company, pub quiz. The only downside was the argument (which I seem to be getting into with a lot of people at the moment).

I'm keeping myself busy, which is good. Today I'm tidying and doing various bits of work for college. Tomorrow night I have to see people, Wednesday I have a photo shoot, Thursday I'm spending a lot of money on clothes, Friday night I'm at a gig, and Saturday is Halloween Spiders. Phew. Also have to make my Sally costume before Saturday night.

Back to bed I think.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Sat, 21 Oct 2006 14:09:22 GMT

Sometimes it's worse to remember what happened the night before than to wake up with no memory.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 19:38:53 GMT

So this is what it feels like after a whole day of manual labour...

I've spent the day cleaning up and now smell like various chemicals, thanks to the party I threw on Saturday night. It was partly fantastic and partly bad. Bizarrely nice shitmix appeared in my kitchen (despite containing Malibu, yuck!), surprise visit from Mr Sinister, and it was just ace for everyone to be there. Bad parts included me turning into a slut, the mess that was left in the kitchen and me getting upset over something that someone did. There were probably more good and bad things, but I have gaps in my memory, thanks to the aforementioned shitmix :P

So I've been fairly zombified since, and still fairly down. I need to work out what I want and what I need to do to be happy again.

The parents get back tomorrow, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed they don't find evidence there was a party....

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 10:38:28 GMT

Carrying on the trend of posting song lyrics....

I've faced the fathoms in your deep
Withstood the suitors quiet siege
Pulled down the heavens just to please you
Appease you
The wind blows and I know..

I can't go on, digging roses from your grave
To linger on, beyond the beyond
Where the willows weep and the whirlpools sleep
You'll find me
The coarse tide reflects sky

And the nightmare rides on
With a december black psalm
And the nightmare rides on
What I fear is lost here
The wind blows and I know..

All you have to do is run away and steal yourself from me
Become a mystery to gaze into
You're so cruel in all you do
But still I believe, I believe in you..

So you may come with your own knives
You'll never take me alive
With all the force of what is true
Is there nothing I can do?

I can't go on, digging roses from your grave
To linger on, beyond the beyond
Where the willows weep and the whirlpools sleep
You'll find me

And the nightmare rides on, the nightmare rides on
With a december black psalm
And the nightmare rides on

I've faced the fathoms in your deep
Withstood the suitors quiet siege
Pulled down the heavens just to please you
To hold the flower I can't keep..

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 01:04:08 GMT

Okay, I'm now single... not feeling much at the moment... even though I found out he cheated on me with his ex who he pparently still has feelings for.... maybe it's for the best though, we weren't really having a good time even though last week things seemed so much better... I thought things were going to work out... I just find it hard to think we'll never kiss or share an intimate moment again... which kinda huirts

saw him tonight after it happened and wer were alright, and when he left we hugged and i said i hope we can still be good friends... which would be good... but it still hurts

at leadt hes moving to leeds so i wont have to see him

anyone feel like getting me drunk more?

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 22:44:11 GMT

9 hours left...

... til I set off for York, eventually getting to leeds Fest for the weekend :)

Not that many bands I want to see, aside from The Dresden Dolls, Muse, Placebo, Pearl Jam and Metric. But that means more drinking time :)

Not bad considering I only decided I wanted to go on Sunday night.

Aside from the Fest, life is better than it was before things got a little weird. Relations with Mr Sinister have improved, and my exam results were exactly what I wanted;

A in AS Sociology
B in A2 Psychology
C in AS Biology

(sorry to everyone who's heard about my results a million times, I'm just really happy about them :)

Adios x

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 14:11:36 GMT

I think I'm addicted to online personality tests....

free enneagram test />

Profile Summary for Enneagram Type Four

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Level 2: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.

Level 3: Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

Average Levels

Level 4: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.

Level 5: To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings.

Level 6: Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.

Level 8: Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them.

Level 9: Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely. Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders.

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else.

Examples: Ingmar Bergman, Alan Watts, Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morrisette, Paul Simon, Jeremy Irons, Patrick Stewart, Joseph Fiennes, Martha Graham, Bob Dylan, Miles Davis, Johnny Depp, Anne Rice, Rudolph Nureyev, J.D. Salinger, Anaîs Nin, Marcel Proust, Maria Callas, Tennessee Williams, Edgar Allan Poe, Annie Lennox, Prince, Michael Jackson, Virginia Woolf, Judy Garland, "Blanche DuBois" (Streetcar Named Desire), Thomas Merton.

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 08:01:37 GMT

Never underestimate the powers of a warm bath, aromatherapy, green tea and a good book... I haven't been this relaxed in a long time. I don't think I could worry about anything right now, even if I wanted to. Although I used too much lavender oil on my pillows so my hair now smells of lavender.

Thanks again to tainted_echo for dissuading me from going out last night, I probably had a far better time staying in than if I'd gone to Spiders.

I'm also feeling a lot better physically. Yesterday I managed to go with the parents on a spur of the moment shopping trip to York, where I found queenofthevoid, which was great because I hardly ever get to see her. I saw some really nice shoes, but managed not to buy them, and instead have a stunning new winter coat, rose-scented perfume which I can't stop using and enough fantasy novels to last me til I go back to college if I felt like have a massive reading binge.

Today I plan to carry on with the relaxation thing and possibly go into town or see people later on.

Waiting

siamese_dream_64@hotmail.com — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 08:34:33 GMT

WARNING : INCOMING RANT

Spiders last night was devoid of a Pixie, currently attempting to stop throwing up and feel better enough to go out and buy shoes she can't really afford...

I have either food poisoning or a stomach bug. Because I don't know which or if I'm contagious I can't see anyone, which is crap because being alone when you're ill is.. well, crap! I can't go out either incase I need to rush to the loo (lovely, eh?). Which is annoying because those are the two things I need most right now, I should be keeping busy and talking to people about things instead of having to stay in bed where it's more than likely I'll over-analyse everything that's going on. I mean, I love watching Disney films and Sex and The City episodes when I'm ill, but there's only so many I can watch before I go insane...

I get my results on Thursday, which I'm fairly worried about. Everyone's saying I'll be fine, and I know things went better than I expected when I got my other results in March, but there's always that little niggling doubt in the back of my head that I'm sure most people get, that's saying I wont have done as well as I want to. I suppose one good thing that's come out of all the stuff going on at the moment is that I haven't thought about my results half as much as I would normally.

Lastly, things are changing a lot in my life. I'm just waiting to see how much change is coming.